Hey there Podtacular! The next conference is happening in a few weeks. I’m putting this up now so that you guys have plenty of time to get submissions in. I know a bunch of the things that we talked about haven’t happened yet, but we’re putting the hammer down this time. So send in your opinions and ideas. I’ll stick them up on the list of things to look at.

Also, we’ve been contemplating whether or not to broadcast the conference on an audio stream. Who here would really tune in to listen to us talk for two hours?

This week is Multiplayer tips and Map of the Month: Last Resort. Submit your tips on how to dominate this remake of the Halo 2 Zanzibar. Submissions are due by Sunday afternoon.

Normally I avoid even commenting on the intersections between violent real-world crime and fantasy videogame violence. There’s really little point. There’s not much more than can be said on the matter than what is already out there.

However, the remarks of Judge James Burge following his conviction of Daniel Petric are simply so ridiculous that I can’t let them pass. From story coverage at, of all places, a PS3 website:

The boy was finally convicted of the crime earlier today, but Judge James Burge wasn’t happy with the sentencing. He told the press that he blamed the video game developers more than Daniel for the crime committed. Burge accused Halo 3 developer Bungie of creating a “delusional environment” where the normal rules of reality didn’t apply. “[In Halo 3] you can shoot these aliens, and they’re there again the next day. You have to shoot them again, and I firmly believe that Daniel Petric had no idea, at the time he hatched this plot, that if he killed his parents they would be dead forever,” Burge explained.

It’s really hard to take that seriously. It’s also really hard to swallow the idea that this is a person who is a judge– who is in a position of education and authority. That’s frightening. What is surprising is that despite blaming the videogame more than the perpetrator, he still found the latter guilty, which I suppose is also encouraging.

However, let’s play reductio ad absurdum a bit with this. It won’t be hard; there’s not to much reducting to do before things get pretty damn absurdum.

First of all, Halo 3 is a “delusional environment” where the rules of reality don’t apply. This, apparently, is bad. One shouldn’t make videogames where the rules of reality don’t apply. The judge specifically links this to the fact that Covenant aliens you kill today are alive tomorrow if you play the game again.

What must the judge have thought of games that actually respawn enemies during a single play session then?

What would Halo look like if Bungie avoided including such delusions?

First of all, you’d have permanent death– once the Covenant killed the Master Chief, that’s it. Game over. You can’t come back from death. That’s delusional thinking. If you let the Chief get killed, it’s all over. Take the game back to the store and get your money back, since you obviously suck. But better you suck at Halo then get delusional thoughts from it about the immortality of galaxy-hopping super soldiers.

Even if you manage not to get killed, after you finish the game, you’re done. Again, take it back to the store and get your money back. All those Covenant you killed? Dead. They can’t come back. Play through a second time? Resurrect all those dead aliens? That’s crazy talk!

Although I’m not sure you’d be able to even successfully play through Judge Burge’s Halo even once. Since at the very start of Halo 3, the Chief falls several kilometers into the jungle, apparently without a parachute. Survive that? Absolutely freaking insane, man. So the judge’s Halo consists of half the Arrival cutscene, until Sarge realizes the Chief is dead and isn’t coming back. Hope you kept your receipt.

Follow a Covenant fleet into a Forerunner portal to the Ark, outside our own galaxy? Impossible. You can’t teach kids to think such things are real.

Laser guns? Plasma swords? FTL travel? Robot suits, energy shields, realistic artificial intelligence and alien races? All figments of a sick and twisted imagination which leads teens to get The Wrong Ideas.

Judge Burge, do you have kids? Ever let them watch Warner Brothers cartoons? Because I’m sure they’ve gotten delusional ideas from watching the Coyote survive all those explosions and long falls, and they must be outside figuring out how to try them out on real coyotes– or perhaps on you, since they have no idea whatsoever that if they shoot you into space with an ACME rocket today you won’t be back behind the bench tomorrow.

We should be so lucky that they’d be that delusional.